With Regards to the Functionality of a Sword

It is often said that the sword is a weapon and tool of the past; this couldn’t be further from the truth. Instead of prescribing false assumptions to the most important and majestic creation of mankind, one only needs to wield this deadly piece of art to realize the truth—the sword is the weapon and tool of the future!

The sword is the most useful component of any normal person’s day-to-day life. For someone like me, who works in an office, to forget my sword at home would spell disaster for the day. Which is why I always, at all times, have my 53-inch double-edged broad sword with me; its proper name is Cleave It to Beaver. This sword is very special to me. It was given to me as a gift from the Sea Nymphs of Elgoroth in the 7th dimension. It is made up of volcanic ore and was forged by the head sword smith from the land of Cashleenum. Needless to say, when Cleave It—my nickname for it— is by my side stuff gets done. You may find yourself asking, “What possible purpose does a sword serve in the office?” Well, have you ever tried to quell a peasant uprising in the office without a 53-inch broad sword by your side? Exactly.

Swords are a symbol of status in society, and are therefore necessary in determining the value of your peers. A person’s worth can be directly calculated based on the size and value of his sword. The old adage goes, “ ‘Tis not the size or cost of thine sword, but rather the method which with one wields it.” This couldn’t be further from the truth; size and cost are the only factors when sizing anyone up. For example, when I’m at work Carl Witters down the hall treats me with respect. That is because all he has is a crappy 18th century Katana from the Zaio dynasty, and it barely even adds + 3 to his manna reserves! He knows that if he confronted me I would simply cleave him in two with one mighty blow. I, on the other hand, offer utmost respect to my manager Kyle Slostrum. Kyle has the extremely rare diamond-bladed Dragon Slayer of the Crab Nebula—he had to pay 80 pieces of silver and the two strongest oxen in his village for it! It is clear that swords continue to play a vital role in social hierarchy and are therefore necessary in all facets of life.

The advancement of the human mind and spirit are dependant on the possession of a sword. The sword represents progress. It is easy to imagine the human race as a glimmering piece of sharpened metal slicing its way through controversy and obstacles to reach its goal. Sword use has emphasized strength and manliness for all genders, and has taught the mind those trivial things like math, language, science, music, art, cooking, and diplomacy can easily be overridden, and even forgotten, in the face of brute strength. Who cares how many apples you have left when you take three away from five? The real question is whether or not you can slice those apples in half with one swing of your sword?! How does “trade” and “peace” advance mankind at all? Instead, swords encourage people to literally dissect a problem before figuratively dissecting it. Whoever said, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” was an idiot! Since when can anyone defend themselves from a 178-pound piece of rigid steel with a plastic pen? It is ignorant to assume that reason can overcome my metal, muscley build and general good looks.

The future is upon us, and it is in the shape of a sword; you can’t fight it. Instead, embrace it! Take a stab at progress and go get a sword. It’s time to sharpen your future and grab a slice of excellence. Unsheathe your potential and thrust yourself to the top with the most functional and effective tool in human history: the sword.

Here is the document of modern, civilian, ITT worker, Dan Pecoraro. He explains why having a sword is so vital in today's society.
Here we find the ITT associate in a state of relaxation, as if his shirt doesn't enunciate that enough! Although you can't see it, his powerful sword is guarding him safely at all times.